Sunday, December 2, 2012

It's Time

There is a place, inside my heart I guess.  It’s a sad and quiet place.  It’s a place I visit occasionally, just a few minutes to open the lid and drop another something inside. Then, the lid shuts and it’s gone from my presence of thought.  The place is with me wherever I go, still there, sort of like a box, tucked away, hidden from sight.  It’s not a bad thing to have such a box, a special compartment.  It allows everyday life to have its everyday-ness.  Over the years I’ve dusted off the box, more times than I would have liked, unlocked the lock and opened the lid.  When I do, I catch a whiff of all the things inside.  All the things over the last 37 years that I don’t understand; those intensely sad and hurtful things that have no answers.  Here in this box are the things that have entered my life by force, I’ve mulled over, tried to reason into existence, and failed, and afterward acknowledged that there are, and never will be, any answers.  It’s ok; the box is there, waiting for me, when I’m ready.  And, with another addition, I acknowledge again there is a God who does have all the answers.  I don’t have to have the why.  It’s enough for me to say, I don’t get it, please take it, quietly, and put it in the box.  There, I’m free again.

October 18, 2012 my stepdad took his own life.  So much sadness, so many unanswered questions.   So much I could write.   I can’t and I won’t hold on to all the questions.  They are my latest submission.

Rest easy Charles.  May God give those you left behind, the ability to do the same.     


The Junods said...

I'm so sorry! You're right when you say there's freedom in knowing God has the answers and we don't. Letting them go is hard. Hope your heart heals even without answers.

Anonymous said...

I love you beyond words... Some of the items in the box we share, so I completely understand your words and your feelings.

Anonymous said...

I love you so very much, Celia Elizabeth. Mother